Saturday, February 5, 2011

Emotional Hangover

***Warning, this post contains profanity***

I had a really nice day-I ran some errands with my parents and they treated me to a nice lunch. Then, when we got home, one of my brothers went off on me because I commented on nobody clearing the snow (my dad who hurt his back really badly, was trying to do it.)

Actually, to say he went off on me is an epic understatement. He totally raged.

Nothing new there, unfortunately.

For what it is worth, I never yell back. I get called every name and profanity in the book. For reasons I won't get into, a culture has developed in my family where this particular family member is never put in their place because everyone is afraid of upsetting them. Obviously the fear stems from this person being emotionally unstable.

For my part, I don't put him in his place because 1. I don't think that is my place in life to do to other people and 2. It is ineffective and I don't like to waste my time. I pretty much just sit there and take it.

Maybe if I had more self-respect I would stick up for myself? I promise I'm no martyr, this is how it is with most every family member when dealing with this person. My dad not so much but he is the first one to come under attack so I don't like to have him do my bidding for me.

Upon hearing the commotion my dad asks what happens and my mom responds, "It's my baby boy again." Like, really mom? You need to use a pet name/term of endearment to describe someone who just verbally abused me? Somehow I got on her "Enabler Train" and let my life be consumed with this person and his problems, and now (especially since I am pregnant) I am tired. I'm just over it. Time to focus on my own life and my own family. I admit it is very painful and difficult for me to accept that her entire focus is on him, good or bad. It is no secret that he is her favorite, and she used to be much better about concealing it. Now, she is consumed by him. I start buying into it, too. Enough is enough. I actually never had a problem with her favoritism (my thinking is, different kids, different personalities so it is reasonable she might feel closer to one or get along better with one. No harm, no foul.) I never, ever, begrudge either of my siblings anything so when I say it never bothered me before, I mean it sincerely. In this stage of my life, I am beginning to feel disgusted by it.

Instead of letting my resentment get the best of me, I'm just going to try to distance myself. I have always said that you can't expect more from people than what they are capable of giving. At some point I must acknowledge that I am setting myself up for disappointment; it isn't fair to me or to her to place expectations.

Well, this started off being about a sibling and now it is about a parent. I need to dig deep within myself to see what of it I need to own and what of it I don't. I have this tendency to own other people's crap. Even after my brother accosted me, I still mulled over in my head what I could've done to change it, my role, etc. My mind automatically spirals to, 'Well, the weather is bad he could be in an accident and then that will have been your last conversation.' Like, really? These are not hormonal irrationalities, these are normal for me. I can promise you he didn't drive off thinking, "Gosh, there could be an accident and the last thing I would have said to my sister is you're a FUCKING BITCH!" It takes two people to fight and I definitely accept what I did to anger him, but as I said, I don't stoop to his level.

Bottom line: I need to make some serious changes, even if it means eating Top Ramen for the next 3 years. You can't put a price on your sanity.

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