Monday, January 31, 2011

The Business of Being Melancholy

I've been thrilled of late to get some comments from strangers. Granted, I pretty much always comment on their blogs first, but the reciprocation leaves me thrilled. So if you're new, I will say this: I have battled depression off and on for years.

I can go very long stretches where I am fine. And then suddenly, the fog will set in.

There is a lot of my life to be happy and thankful for. But then, depression isn't about that, anyway. Part of my problem could be seasonal (this time), certainly a large factor is situational. But I digress, it is never just "one thing."

Chemically, there is something wrong with my brain. I can often see the change in my writing. Posts will get more depressing and I will fight myself over posting depressing things, versus sharing the joy in my life that fights equally hard to be displayed.

Heavy sigh.

I don't know. It's not like I can pray it away. Believe me, I've tried.

What I do know is that I am tired. I am tired of fighting the same demon. I am tired of not being able to overcome something that I know, intellectually, is defeatable. I am tired of being down. I am so sick of the way depression leaves you feeling guilty, as though you don't appreciate all the blessings you have. Because I do! Believe me I do. Every day I am on my hands and knees in thanks, but that doesn't take the clouds away.

I feel detached. It's hard not being able to socialize and slowly drifting from friends. Don't get me wrong, I have excellent friends and I am confident no amount of miles will ever end the friendships. But sometimes a hug from a friend can go a long way. No what I'm saying?

Sometimes the only way I can keep track of how long this garbage lasts is by reviewing blog posts. Seems like I have been on quite the streak for the past month or so. I imagine you are all as sick of me as I am. Can't argue with that! Ha!

But now, now I have someone else relying on me to hold it together. And that person is the most important person in my life. So I wait. And I watch. And I monitor myself, my moods and my melancholy.

And as I have done before, if I must, I will seek out a professional "remedy."

I'm rambling. Good night.


Bobbi Janay said...

As someone who as been battling this since high school. I am med free for my pregnancy but after what happened after Ian was born. I will be hyper aware of the signs, I don't think "remedy" should be said with such disdain. If it helps why fight something that helps. Girl, I will love to talk more about our histories with this please shoot me an email.

Liz said...

I have my ups & downs, we all do. It sounds to me like you have a firm grasp on the situation, because you are aware of it. I'll pray that you stay strong throughout the pregnancy & in those first few months after the baby is born where you are seriously in a parallel universe. I'll remind you again once the baby is born, but those feelings you'll have when he/she arrives are perfectly normal & we've all been there!

Laura said...

Hugs to you - and your honesty! Praying that your struggle lessens, and that you continue to have a good support system to help you through the difficult times.