The writing prompt for March on Nablopomo is "one word." Their prompts are pretty liberal so I will take this to mean I only need one word as inspiration or title. My track record is pretty awful for these monthly things but I'm gonna give it a shot.
I'm really sick of drama. Everyone has their fair share but on occasion I question if I'm not a personal magnet. But things are changing inside of me. I have an entirely new set of responsibilities and they're only going to increase. It is time to look out for Numero Uno.
I can't live in fear any more of the "what ifs" of life. The fact is, there is a lot beyond my control. This is some revelation to have at 29, right? Better late than never, I guess.
It has been a rough 5+ years. I contemplated recapping a brief list of the traumas of the past half-decade but am torn over whether I want a written account or not. On the one hand, my history is my history and it is part of who I am today and why I am the way I am. On the other hand, if I write it out will it be the equivalent of re-living it? Will writing it out somehow hold me back from healing? I'm not sure what the answer is. I do know I have blogged for several years now, and it is very rare that I dig through the archives for something.
God promised a joyful and full life, He never promised a happy life. Happiness is circumstantial, whereas joy is a feeling I wish to know in my heart and live every day. I need to accept that traumatic and bad thins are going to happen. Hurting will occur, not "if" but "when." I am only responsible for my own actions. If someone hurts me, I have to accept it and move on.
Currently, one of my brothers is having a hard time. When he hurts, I hurt. Our connection is strong and I vibe off of him. I need to let go. He needs to be able to make his own good decisions. And not all of his decisions will be good. Nobody's decisions are always perfect. But sometimes you need to learn certain life lessons on your own, even if it feels like it is killing those who love you.
Showing posts with label The Drama Llama Has Left the Barn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Drama Llama Has Left the Barn. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Emotional Hangover
***Warning, this post contains profanity***
I had a really nice day-I ran some errands with my parents and they treated me to a nice lunch. Then, when we got home, one of my brothers went off on me because I commented on nobody clearing the snow (my dad who hurt his back really badly, was trying to do it.)
Actually, to say he went off on me is an epic understatement. He totally raged.
Nothing new there, unfortunately.
For what it is worth, I never yell back. I get called every name and profanity in the book. For reasons I won't get into, a culture has developed in my family where this particular family member is never put in their place because everyone is afraid of upsetting them. Obviously the fear stems from this person being emotionally unstable.
For my part, I don't put him in his place because 1. I don't think that is my place in life to do to other people and 2. It is ineffective and I don't like to waste my time. I pretty much just sit there and take it.
Maybe if I had more self-respect I would stick up for myself? I promise I'm no martyr, this is how it is with most every family member when dealing with this person. My dad not so much but he is the first one to come under attack so I don't like to have him do my bidding for me.
Upon hearing the commotion my dad asks what happens and my mom responds, "It's my baby boy again." Like, really mom? You need to use a pet name/term of endearment to describe someone who just verbally abused me? Somehow I got on her "Enabler Train" and let my life be consumed with this person and his problems, and now (especially since I am pregnant) I am tired. I'm just over it. Time to focus on my own life and my own family. I admit it is very painful and difficult for me to accept that her entire focus is on him, good or bad. It is no secret that he is her favorite, and she used to be much better about concealing it. Now, she is consumed by him. I start buying into it, too. Enough is enough. I actually never had a problem with her favoritism (my thinking is, different kids, different personalities so it is reasonable she might feel closer to one or get along better with one. No harm, no foul.) I never, ever, begrudge either of my siblings anything so when I say it never bothered me before, I mean it sincerely. In this stage of my life, I am beginning to feel disgusted by it.
Instead of letting my resentment get the best of me, I'm just going to try to distance myself. I have always said that you can't expect more from people than what they are capable of giving. At some point I must acknowledge that I am setting myself up for disappointment; it isn't fair to me or to her to place expectations.
Well, this started off being about a sibling and now it is about a parent. I need to dig deep within myself to see what of it I need to own and what of it I don't. I have this tendency to own other people's crap. Even after my brother accosted me, I still mulled over in my head what I could've done to change it, my role, etc. My mind automatically spirals to, 'Well, the weather is bad he could be in an accident and then that will have been your last conversation.' Like, really? These are not hormonal irrationalities, these are normal for me. I can promise you he didn't drive off thinking, "Gosh, there could be an accident and the last thing I would have said to my sister is you're a FUCKING BITCH!" It takes two people to fight and I definitely accept what I did to anger him, but as I said, I don't stoop to his level.
Bottom line: I need to make some serious changes, even if it means eating Top Ramen for the next 3 years. You can't put a price on your sanity.
I had a really nice day-I ran some errands with my parents and they treated me to a nice lunch. Then, when we got home, one of my brothers went off on me because I commented on nobody clearing the snow (my dad who hurt his back really badly, was trying to do it.)
Actually, to say he went off on me is an epic understatement. He totally raged.
Nothing new there, unfortunately.
For what it is worth, I never yell back. I get called every name and profanity in the book. For reasons I won't get into, a culture has developed in my family where this particular family member is never put in their place because everyone is afraid of upsetting them. Obviously the fear stems from this person being emotionally unstable.
For my part, I don't put him in his place because 1. I don't think that is my place in life to do to other people and 2. It is ineffective and I don't like to waste my time. I pretty much just sit there and take it.
Maybe if I had more self-respect I would stick up for myself? I promise I'm no martyr, this is how it is with most every family member when dealing with this person. My dad not so much but he is the first one to come under attack so I don't like to have him do my bidding for me.
Upon hearing the commotion my dad asks what happens and my mom responds, "It's my baby boy again." Like, really mom? You need to use a pet name/term of endearment to describe someone who just verbally abused me? Somehow I got on her "Enabler Train" and let my life be consumed with this person and his problems, and now (especially since I am pregnant) I am tired. I'm just over it. Time to focus on my own life and my own family. I admit it is very painful and difficult for me to accept that her entire focus is on him, good or bad. It is no secret that he is her favorite, and she used to be much better about concealing it. Now, she is consumed by him. I start buying into it, too. Enough is enough. I actually never had a problem with her favoritism (my thinking is, different kids, different personalities so it is reasonable she might feel closer to one or get along better with one. No harm, no foul.) I never, ever, begrudge either of my siblings anything so when I say it never bothered me before, I mean it sincerely. In this stage of my life, I am beginning to feel disgusted by it.
Instead of letting my resentment get the best of me, I'm just going to try to distance myself. I have always said that you can't expect more from people than what they are capable of giving. At some point I must acknowledge that I am setting myself up for disappointment; it isn't fair to me or to her to place expectations.
Well, this started off being about a sibling and now it is about a parent. I need to dig deep within myself to see what of it I need to own and what of it I don't. I have this tendency to own other people's crap. Even after my brother accosted me, I still mulled over in my head what I could've done to change it, my role, etc. My mind automatically spirals to, 'Well, the weather is bad he could be in an accident and then that will have been your last conversation.' Like, really? These are not hormonal irrationalities, these are normal for me. I can promise you he didn't drive off thinking, "Gosh, there could be an accident and the last thing I would have said to my sister is you're a FUCKING BITCH!" It takes two people to fight and I definitely accept what I did to anger him, but as I said, I don't stoop to his level.
Bottom line: I need to make some serious changes, even if it means eating Top Ramen for the next 3 years. You can't put a price on your sanity.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Pity Party for One
I'm feeling really frazzled today. Some of it, OK, most of it, I'm not at liberty to discuss. I hate when someone says that. It's such a cop-out and just screams, "Give me attention!" But I can't help it-sometimes you're involved with stuff but it's not your story to tell. Such is the case with much of what is giving me so much agony and grief. Lord knows, when it is my own stuff, I get the verbal diarrhea!
The good news for today is that the insurance company for the man who hit Mr. Case is accepting liability. This is nice considering their insured admitted guilt and gave a statement. Apparently that's not usually enough for this particular company. I'm just happy it is getting resolved.
During one of the sermons at the church we didn't end up liking, the pastor said something that stuck with me (I told you he wasn't all bad!) He said, "Don't put your faith in your fears. Put your faith in your God." Every single day this concept has worked its way into my prayers. He also said something to the effect of God being the specialist at making the impossible, possible. So, I know it is possible for the story I don't want to tell to have a happy ending. I believe it. Whole-heartedly.
But today? Is a struggle.
The good news for today is that the insurance company for the man who hit Mr. Case is accepting liability. This is nice considering their insured admitted guilt and gave a statement. Apparently that's not usually enough for this particular company. I'm just happy it is getting resolved.
During one of the sermons at the church we didn't end up liking, the pastor said something that stuck with me (I told you he wasn't all bad!) He said, "Don't put your faith in your fears. Put your faith in your God." Every single day this concept has worked its way into my prayers. He also said something to the effect of God being the specialist at making the impossible, possible. So, I know it is possible for the story I don't want to tell to have a happy ending. I believe it. Whole-heartedly.
But today? Is a struggle.
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