Changed

One of my greatest personal flaws is that I am consumed with worrying about what other people will think. To that end, I obsess over not insulting others to the point where I censor myself even if it is against my moral code. Take this blog, for example. Sometimes I feel compelled to write about spiritual and religious things that are weighing on my heart or my mind. But I rarely give in to those urges because I don't want to alienate any of my (few!) followers.

Such insecurity is dumb at best. If there is a topic on my mind, it is obviously there for a reason. Maybe writing it out might bring new perspective to someone, a teaching moment if you will. Or perhaps if I shared what was on my heart, there would be an opportunity for me to learn. I still have a lot to learn.

So starting today, I am going to ditch the worrying. You see, my life is changing.

Many times in my life I have heard people say they've read a book (usually of the self-help variety) that greatly changed their life. I always found this humorous. How could someone else's experience profoundly change yours? It was ignorant of me to underestimate the power of empathy and sharing.

At church the women were starting a new bible study. I think the devil must've been on my shoulder because I was extremely hesitant to read this book with them, not even knowing the title or subject matter. Then, one by one, the women started remarking on how humbling and insightful the book was. I don't know about you, but I could really use some humbling!

I found it very cheesy that they were so greatly impacted by a book for which they'd only read one chapter. Obviously, I need to check my ego at the door.

For whatever reason, I felt compelled to join the study.

I put off reading the book till the very last minute, AKA, the next meeting for chapter two is tomorrow!

God as my witness, this book has changed me. And humbled me. And given me insight. No lie, everything the other women discussed rang true for me, too.

The book is called Calm My Anxious Heart and it was written by a woman I have never heard of named Linda Dillow. Readers of my old blog know I have literally been paralyzed in the past with depression and anxiety. One look at the title and I knew it was no accident I signed on to read.

Going through this study is like having the one person who knows you most intimately in the world, call you out on your BS. But they are doing it in a kind, loving an gentle manner. They're doing it in a way that allows for growth and humility.

This book is so full of usable content that I often find myself re-reading sentences over and over so I don't miss something. I haven't read this intently since college.

There is nothing that I can say that will do this book justice. I feel like it was divine intervention at work that the book even came into my life. If you're hurting, if you're worried, if you're scared or if you need peace in your life, please do not hesitate to look to this book for guidance and support.

notebook.booksonsales.net

The Business of Being Melancholy

I've been thrilled of late to get some comments from strangers. Granted, I pretty much always comment on their blogs first, but the reciprocation leaves me thrilled. So if you're new, I will say this: I have battled depression off and on for years.

I can go very long stretches where I am fine. And then suddenly, the fog will set in.

There is a lot of my life to be happy and thankful for. But then, depression isn't about that, anyway. Part of my problem could be seasonal (this time), certainly a large factor is situational. But I digress, it is never just "one thing."

Chemically, there is something wrong with my brain. I can often see the change in my writing. Posts will get more depressing and I will fight myself over posting depressing things, versus sharing the joy in my life that fights equally hard to be displayed.

Heavy sigh.

I don't know. It's not like I can pray it away. Believe me, I've tried.

What I do know is that I am tired. I am tired of fighting the same demon. I am tired of not being able to overcome something that I know, intellectually, is defeatable. I am tired of being down. I am so sick of the way depression leaves you feeling guilty, as though you don't appreciate all the blessings you have. Because I do! Believe me I do. Every day I am on my hands and knees in thanks, but that doesn't take the clouds away.

I feel detached. It's hard not being able to socialize and slowly drifting from friends. Don't get me wrong, I have excellent friends and I am confident no amount of miles will ever end the friendships. But sometimes a hug from a friend can go a long way. No what I'm saying?

Sometimes the only way I can keep track of how long this garbage lasts is by reviewing blog posts. Seems like I have been on quite the streak for the past month or so. I imagine you are all as sick of me as I am. Can't argue with that! Ha!

But now, now I have someone else relying on me to hold it together. And that person is the most important person in my life. So I wait. And I watch. And I monitor myself, my moods and my melancholy.

And as I have done before, if I must, I will seek out a professional "remedy."

I'm rambling. Good night.